Tangle Me

the beautiful lyrics to Tangled up in you by Staind

your my world
the shelter for the rain
your the pills
that take away my pain
your the light
that helps me find my way
your the words
when i have nothing to say
in this world where nothing
else is true
here I am still tangled up in you
i am still tangled up in you
still tangled up in you
your the fire
that warms me when I'm cold
your the hand i have to hold as i get old
your the shore
when i am lost at sea
your the only thing that i like about me
in this world where nothing else is true
here i am
here I am still tangled up in you
i am still tangled up in you
how long has it been since this story like began and i
hope it never ends
and goes like this forever
in this world where nothing else is true
here I am still tangled up in you
i am still tangled up in you
still tangled up in you


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22hvEdaPSMs

3 am Body Shock

A Broken Eye Still Cries - Marsha Elliott

3 am and I am wide awake.

My pain tonight is bringing tears to my eyes but it probably more to do with my lack of sleep. Tonight Carlee is coughing and isn't sleeping either. She refuses to take medicine and her fever isn't high enough for the ER. My fear of a sick child wont allow me to sleep therefore I have to deal with the pain of my neck.

Empty darkness bring nothing but thought. Thoughts of pain. As I lay still trying to catch a wink I can almost feel the exact pain, start and finish. I can physically put my finger on it, which is weird. Most of the time it's so general because I am adjusting whatever position I am in to comfort myself. I can actually feel the tingling in my fingers that I thought was just in my head and I know now that it's real. I think it's funny how endorphins from everyday life shield your brain from feeling pain, but am grateful that it does. I laid for a while with tears rolling down the side of my face into my ears then finally relieved myself by getting out of bed. This 3 am body shock makes be finally, truly humbled. I am so frustrated and ready to get help.

Physical pain had ran so much of my adult life it's amazing I'm not crazy. I dealt with years of pain from endometriosis, 7 years to be exact until I had my hysterectomy and a year later pain was again a part of my everyday life. I would love to say pain and I are friends but it is quite the opposite.

My Playlist

http://music.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=music.singleplaylist&friendid=18258597&plid=493335

Skinny Love by Bon Iver

c'mon skinny love just last the year
pour a little salt we were never here
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

i tell my love to wreck it all
cut out all the ropes and let me fall
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
right in the moment this order's tall

i told you to be patient
i told you to be fine
i told you to be balanced
i told you to be kind
in the morning i'll be with you
but it will be a different "kind"
i'll be holding all the tickets
and you'll be owning all the fines

c'mon skinny love what happened here
suckle on the hope in lite brazziere
my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
sullen load is full; so slow on the split

i told you to be patient
i told you to be fine
i told you to be balanced
i told you to be kind
now all your love is wasted?
then who the hell was I?
now i'm breaking at the britches
and at the end of all your lines

who will love you?
who will fight?
who will fall far behind?

Pain

Is it possible to bottle pain? If I could I would give the driver who decided to drive drunk the night of February 28th 2009 everyday for the next year. Then, I would ask him to live with it.

This last year I have had to live with pain that is unspeakable. It taked more than one 2 hour deposition to explain what happened from the moment he hit us to now. I have been humiliated at my job, having to sit for weeks with a black eye while checking hundres of patients in on a daily basis looking at you with questions and sympathy in thier eyes. Months of therapy, moment of hope when the pain goes away followed by a day of pain again that humbles you to tears. Along with all the other life obstacles throwing in pain is unfair.

Not being able to pick up you beautiful child when she runs to you after a day away from you with out thinking about how much it's going to hurt is not fair. Sitting through a 2 hour class with out feeling like you can't stand up when class is out is not fair. Headaches that last for hours is not fair. Uninterested in sleeping because you know that waking up will bring another pain is not fair. Looking down at your two year old to talk to her then looking back up and being dizzy is not fair. Going to therapy and crying in front of total strangers is not fair. Sitting through a deposistion where the drunk driver's lawyer attempts to make you feel like you did wrong is not fair.

I wish i could put this pain into word.... there would be so many.. right now they are pleading words with hope that the next doctor's a[pointment will be promising. This pain wasn't there befor that night and hopefully wont be here much longer....

Good night, off to my bed of pain. Only to wake up in the same pain...

Standing still

rising early to board a flight I was terrified. i had never ridin in a plane that held less that 50 passengers. i thought again about my kids and what they would do without me. Who would be their replacement? i kissed both kids before i left and headed to the airport. i knew there was a reason i was suppose to go these people had gone week after week with no hiccup... i can do this!

the flight there was awesome the plains of Oklahoma looked like slate tiles on a museum floor, all colors differently in a time like uniform style each marking the miles of land. most all of the towards the outer city had a circle outlined in a square from the crop irrigation systems. it was amazing.. we got there in about 40 minutes and got off to be greeted by a old beat up blue suburban.. we all laughed the girl were excited to introduce me to the country ways we had just stepped into. this old blue suburbans headliner touched our heads as we road to clinic. the doors squeaked and opened with a hard metal on metal grind and slammed with a heavy thud. the dr drove, he is a amazing heart dr who hold the lives of many people in his hands everyday yet is not to proud to drive a old pick up with the staff that supports and provides him assistance.

we arrived at the small hospital to set up clinic. our clinic was at the back doors of a small hospital. my desk was a fold out table that the dr fold out as soon as we walked in. a laptop and a borrowed copier was my office. the clinic's nurses station and dr's dictation area was the table just next to mine with two more laptops next to a gurney that the girls used for there personal belongings.

the people were nice. most had nearly nothing wrong but other were set up for surgery with in days and set to OKC for testing and surgery followups.

our day ended about 545 and we headed back to the airport in our newly stapled headliner suburban, thanks to the nuclear tech. he mended it during the day for us. we boarded the flight once again as the sun set and assumed the positions we started out in... the dr propped him feet on the day next to me and read his medical journals the whole flight..

as the sun went down the street lights went on and lit clusters of areas where the cars looked like there were all driving 5 mph. i wondered which cluster was which city, but couldn't tell. unlike the other girls i stayed awake taking in the moments of peace and ease I was having. i now that in a week my busy school schedule is starting back up and i should enjoy it while i have it.

getting off the plane i was relieved and saddened.. it was so peaceful up there and time stood still

i want to go back

When it's my time to go:

After going to Christin's funeral I was compelled to plan my own. I found a check list for planning a funeral, and well, here is what I want

1. Will it be a funeral or a memorial service? I want a memorial service. I don't want my body lying in front of a crowd of people weeping over me but a crowd of people gathered enjoying their time together just as if I was there. After this gathering with music and people talking as I know they will. I want to be buried, not cremated. I want a place where my children can come and talk to me when they feel lonely.

2. An obituary is needed to be written. And I want my children to do it. I want to be remembered through their memories of me and the love I gave them because that is the most important to me.

3. Are you going to use a casket for the body, or will there be a cremation? Ideas on caskets and urns. I DO NOT WANT TO BE CREMATED UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. I don't have any casket ideas, I will already be gone from my body and with Christ but understand the grieving process for my loved ones, so pick the cheapest.

4. If you are using a casket, where will the burial be? I want to be buried in Oklahoma City.

5. Who will officiate the service? Minister, family friend, funeral celebrant? What type of service do you want? Religious or spiritual or non-religious. I would love for a close friend to officiate my memorial, or at least just help coordinate I don't want the typical service. Spiritual.

6. Do you want to have a powerpoint or video presentation of photographs of the life of the deceased? Ideas for presentations.LOTS AND LOTS OF PICTURES, I think maybe letting my closest friends create one for that aspect of my life and my children and family for another

7. Do you want someone to give an Eulogy. If is a welcome addition to the service but not absolutely necessary, particularly in a religious service. Ideas for eulogies. How to write an eulogy. I just want to be remembered as a person my children can be proud of. I want the service to be for my children. I want to eulogy to talk to my children. I want James 4:14 in the eulogy somewhere, it is my tattoo, and it reminds me how short our time is together.

8. Where will the service be held? It can be in the funeral chapel, a church, a hotel, in a park. A park what a great idea, or a beach...... yea

9. Are there any items of the deceased that you would like present? Funeral themes and ideas. NAH!

10. Flowers by the family are traditionally ordered for delivery to where the service is being held. Cherry Blossoms and Daises

11. Are there special songs you would like played, as people enter, during and after the service. Do you want an organist, a harpist, a band, a flutist? Is there recorded music you would like played? See funeral music or hymns. Funeral music ideas and Funeral hymns. I want songs that make people remember me, not churchy songs that will bring tears of sadness but songs that will tears of times remembered with me. Any friend that play instruments or sing I would love that.... what and honor

12. Any particular Bible readings you would like. Who will read it? Funeral Bible Reading ideas. Or a particular poem? James 4:14........ that is the only one unless someone has another idea

13. Will you have a reception after the service? Where will it be? Sharing drinks and company with new and old friends and family of mine.... I love meeting new people and introducing people to each other

To Christin:
Thank you for being a part of my life for the short time that you were. I will forever be changed by you. I pray that your children will remember you smile, drive, intensity, and love. You will be missed, the heavens are blessed with you presence.