This is us

 I woke up this morning from a dream that felt like memory. You know, one that feels familiar and comfortable but when you come back to reality you know it wasn’t real.🤷‍♀️It made me miss my childhood. I immediately wondered where everyone was and what they were doing. 

Our trip to Nashville has really solidified a bond between all of us that will go on for a lifetime. Seeing us all get older and at the happiest in our lives finally with people we love. Our children are healthy and some are making lives of their own. It’s like a Christmas card and almost cliche. My parents manifested this, all of this. And it’s amazing! ❤️ They are celebrating 43 years of marriage this month. We have such an interesting family: 2 blended - which means 2 divorces, 1-re-marriage, 6–bonus kids, and a couple loud crazy dudes that adore May and I (literally couldn’t have found better men on Earth).Then you have the cutest Girl Dad ever… my brother. My sister in love is the most - loving, wonderful, beautiful, talented, motherly person. And my brother adores her, and so do we God’s honest I would literally marry her myself if he ever divorces her, to be with my nieces 100% of the time and she wouldn’t mind. 

I’m so proud to be part of this family I can’t wait til our next adventure. I love you all. This is us.

She's Imperfect But She Tries

I heard this song yesterday and it so describes me. 

  She Used To Be Mine"

It's not simple to say That most days I don't recognize me That these shoes and this apron That place and it's patrons Have taken more than I gave them It's not easy to know I'm not anything like I used to be Although it's true I was never attention's sweet center I still remember that girl She's imperfect but she tries She is good but she lies She is hard on herself She is broken and won't ask for help She is messy but she's kind She is lonely most of the time She is all of this mixed up And baked in a beautiful pie She is gone but she used to be mine It's not what I asked for Sometimes life just slips in through a back door And carves out a person And makes you believe it's all true And now I've got you And you're not what I asked for If I'm honest I know I would give it all back For a chance to start over And rewrite an ending or two For the girl that I knew Who'll be reckless just enough Who'll get hurt but Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised And gets used by a man who can't love And then she'll get stuck and be scared Of the life that's inside her Growing stronger each day 'Til it finally reminds her To fight just a little To bring back the fire in her eyes That's been gone but it used to be mine Used to be mine She is messy but she's kind She is lonely most of the time She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie She is gone but she used to be mine

Nightmares

 Where do you think nightmares come from? How do theY manifest in our brains to very real images that can wake you up in a sweaty, rapid breathing state of exhaustion and fear? Are the your intermost thoughtS? Something you've watched? Something you've heard of? Or imagined before? Is it your deepest darkest secrets recreated in images? I woke up sweaty and scared and had to catch my breathe from one of the realistic dreams I've had in a while. I've never written about it because typically I return to sleep before I calm down and don't remember the details. In this dream I was in a house trying to find my clothes that I was sure were in a closet. There were about 7 closets in this house throughout the rooms. I just had to find them. I finally gave up and started out the door with something hugged in my hands to cover my chest. I seemed less worried about the bottom half of my body. I left the house and was disoriented but sure I would find my way home. I walked confused and scared and half naked, people passed me in cars like there was nothing out of the ordinary. I heard a voice 'Hey, are you ok?' I turned and the vehicle got in view. It was a group of men in a jeep style vehicle. They all jumped out and seemed concerned. I was grateful until I saw one of them had a sledge hammer. I told them I was fine and laughed nervously. I said 'you're scaring me with that thing' he nodded and said 'oh yea' and swung back, he was taunting me. I wanted to run but there was no where to go. I was surrounded. I could feel my body breathing harder and hard my mind was trying to tell me it's just a dream but I didn't want to be there. I quit fighting and stayed in my fear then tried to escape it again and woke up. As I lay there trying to slow my breathing and calm myself I wondered was that all my secrets in life all My hearts aches about to beat me, like beat me to death. They have been beating me lately. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about them. What are these thoughts, these dreams. Where do they come from?

Loneliness

I have a house full of things and people and my heart is emptying. Everyday I think things are getting better I have 4 days of worse to erase it. How do I make this better? What can I say to be heard. I don't want to be heard then belittled for my feelings. I want to be heard, really heard, life-changing, understood and heard. If I don't get this voice inside of me heard soon I have to go. I have to be heard.

I'm lonely with my stupid thoughts of planning to leave because I don't know how to be heard.