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To Jared

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Finally I can breathe and tell you this!! I have had this saved in my notes since the beginning of December with the intention to send it to you - but now it seems so silly since I have moved out and I am trying to move on. You can't send things like this to someone when you are standing where I am standing but as I read through them the thought are so raw. Maybe one day he should see them. Hey Jared, Things I’ll leave you with: First of all, no one will ever love you like I have loved you. Although you say that communication is something you do well, it really isn’t. You tend to be a “right fighter” often not active listening to the conversation. When someone is voicing their concerns to you or has something to say you are getting defensive and already starting to rebuttle in your head, then missing out on listening (really listening) to key points of the conversation. Or you have actually fallen asleep when I’m talking. If anyone were to do that you, you would lose your mind. Th...
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This is us

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  I woke up this morning from a dream that felt like memory. You know, one that feels familiar and comfortable but when you come back to reality you know it wasn’t real. 🤷‍♀️ It made me miss my childhood. I immediately wondered where everyone was and what they were doing.  Our trip to Nashville has really solidified a bond between all of us that will go on for a lifetime. Seeing us all get older and at the happiest in our lives finally with people we love. Our children are healthy and some are making lives of their own. It’s like a Christmas card and almost cliche. My parents manifested this, all of this. And it’s amazing!  ❤️  They are celebrating 43 years of marriage this month. We have such an interesting family: 2 blended - which means 2 divorces, 1-re-marriage, 6–bonus kids, and a couple loud crazy dudes that adore May and I (literally couldn’t have found better men on Earth).Then you have the cutest Girl Dad ever… my brother. My sister in love is the most - lo...
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She's Imperfect But She Tries

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I heard this song yesterday and it so describes me.    She Used To Be Mine" It's not simple to say That most days I don't recognize me That these shoes and this apron That place and it's patrons Have taken more than I gave them It's not easy to know I'm not anything like I used to be Although it's true I was never attention's sweet center I still remember that girl She's imperfect but she tries She is good but she lies She is hard on herself She is broken and won't ask for help She is messy but she's kind She is lonely most of the time She is all of this mixed up And baked in a beautiful pie She is gone but she used to be mine It's not what I asked for Sometimes life just slips in through a back door And carves out a person And makes you believe it's all true And now I've got you And you're not what I asked for If I'm honest I know I would give it all back For a chance to start over And rewrite an ending or two...
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Nightmares

 Where do you think nightmares come from? How do theY manifest in our brains to very real images that can wake you up in a sweaty, rapid breathing state of exhaustion and fear? Are the your intermost thoughtS? Something you've watched? Something you've heard of? Or imagined before? Is it your deepest darkest secrets recreated in images? I woke up sweaty and scared and had to catch my breathe from one of the realistic dreams I've had in a while. I've never written about it because typically I return to sleep before I calm down and don't remember the details. In this dream I was in a house trying to find my clothes that I was sure were in a closet. There were about 7 closets in this house throughout the rooms. I just had to find them. I finally gave up and started out the door with something hugged in my hands to cover my chest. I seemed less worried about the bottom half of my body. I left the house and was disoriented but sure I would find my way home. I walked...
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Loneliness

I have a house full of things and people and my heart is emptying. Everyday I think things are getting better I have 4 days of worse to erase it. How do I make this better? What can I say to be heard. I don't want to be heard then belittled for my feelings. I want to be heard, really heard, life-changing, understood and heard. If I don't get this voice inside of me heard soon I have to go. I have to be heard. I'm lonely with my stupid thoughts of planning to leave because I don't know how to be heard.
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Dear Son .....Love, Mom

Dear Son, It's the night before you graduate and I'm starting to get emotional. I've been so busy the last couple of weeks living in the moment I haven't allowed my self to appreciate your journey. You've come such a long way and I am so proud of your accomplishment. You were born to very young parent who themselves were not in the most imaginable situation to raise a child. I found out I was pregnant with you the summer before my senior year. Pregnancy, teenage emotions and logic, not great combinations. My parents were believers of tough love and I was ordered to either give you up or grow up fast. I considered giving you up for adoption but realized I had been selfish enough. So the work began. I moved out and in with your father, his foster parents bought is an apartment next to theirs and we lived as a couple our senior year. We were responsible for getting ourselves to school everyday and working for our food and money. My pregnancy was a very healthy...
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I wish I was enough

I wish I was enough for you. Tonight you asked if we had plans. My plans were to be with you. You told me that you wanted to drink and that sitting at the house doing nothing wasn't fun to you. Why is it for me? Being with you is fun enough for me. The tension built so you passed the liquor store, but your mad. So mad in fact you won't talk to me and you are in bed at 930. Do you not like my company sober? I'm not the bottle and I don't make you drunk. I'm not enough for you? I hope this changes because my "half full" cup is starting to empty. I heart is breaking and my patience is thinning.
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