In My Head

Unwanted You were never there When I needed care You took off When things got rough And moved on The day you decided I was an unwanted son I hear news about you here and there To myself, I whisper in despair How life is not fair I sometimes breakdown and cry And wish to die Because deep inside Where my feelings hide I long for a fatherly hug Like a recovering addict to his drug I looked for your face during my graduation I missed your smile after my promotion A face I never had the chance to see A smile I only imagine to feel free How can I celebrate your special day When your name is synonym of betray? For everything that I went through The cheers I never heard coming from you The love you chose not to give The sorry cards I never received The mental anguish And all the things I missed Toward you, I still won't recriminate Though, I choose to dedicate your special day To the one who's been there for me all along The one who helped me distinguish right from wrong My Mom, my her...

I have always wanted to write you a letter for a day in the future and explain what is happening right now in your life, just as a reference and to bring clarity to situations with your father and I.  Sometimes I see a small speck of uncertainty about the trust. And I am talking about trust between you and I. Right now you are too young to understand the situation it in its entity. Although your father loves you he does not express it a way that other people understand.  I have noticed lately that the things you say to me when you return from his house are in a different tune.  This change in actions with you worried me because you have never done it. When you say things like "my dad doesn't spank me.  I know that and there is a reason he has never had to spank you or get on to you like I do, your never there long enough for you to have a  reason too.  To your father you are just a playmate. Your father and I have has numerous conv...

Oh Lord, help me to feel your calming hand upon me when I am in pain. Let your ever-loving comfort enfold me, And give me the heart to see that in my suffering, I am becoming closer to you...and more divine. Coming up on my 4th set of injections since April I can't help but wonder if it will help.  There is nothing more disappointing that watching the patients before you come out and be so excited about life and being pain free. I want to be pain free.  I can't stand feeling like I am missing out on so much of life because of pain.  I am glad that I am beginning to understand the dimensions of pain and what I have lost in my life.  I have lost the freedom I had before of going and going with no physical pain making me want to take medications or just lay down.  I have to make sure that my medications go everywhere with me just in case. I can't workout like I use to. I am so grateful for having the best people in my life. Patience and understanding are cha...