Unwanted

Unwanted

You were never there
When I needed care
You took off
When things got rough
And moved on
The day you decided I was an unwanted son

I hear news about you here and there
To myself, I whisper in despair
How life is not fair
I sometimes breakdown and cry
And wish to die
Because deep inside
Where my feelings hide
I long for a fatherly hug
Like a recovering addict to his drug

I looked for your face during my graduation
I missed your smile after my promotion
A face I never had the chance to see
A smile I only imagine to feel free

How can I celebrate your special day
When your name is synonym of betray?

For everything that I went through
The cheers I never heard coming from you
The love you chose not to give
The sorry cards I never received
The mental anguish
And all the things I missed
Toward you, I still won't recriminate
Though, I choose to dedicate your special day
To the one who's been there for me all along
The one who helped me distinguish right from wrong
My Mom, my hero

Dear Tony

I have always wanted to write you a letter for a day in the future and explain what is happening right now in your life, just as a reference and to bring clarity to situations with your father and I.  Sometimes I see a small speck of uncertainty about the trust. And I am talking about trust between you and I. Right now you are too young to understand the situation it in its entity.


Although your father loves you he does not express it a way that other people understand.  I have noticed lately that the things you say to me when you return from his house are in a different tune.  This change in actions with you worried me because you have never done it. When you say things like "my dad doesn't spank me.  I know that and there is a reason he has never had to spank you or get on to you like I do, your never there long enough for you to have a  reason too.  To your father you are just a playmate.


Your father and I have has numerous conversations about setting a schedule for him picking you us and dropping you off.  Most split households get to see their families every other weekend.  Just as you have seen Carlee do with Eric. I am sorry your father doesn't think that is available for him.  Until he can make arrangements for every other weekend (picking up at 8pm on Friday and taking you to school at 8 on Monday am) then you will not be able to go with him. He has been made aware of the schedule he has to adhere to but says he can't because of work.  I am giving him no other option because with your ADHD you have to have a structure environment.  I have told you dad about that and he refuses by saying her has to work on those days and cant do it. So when he can, he will, hopefully soon


I don't ever want you to think that I would hold you back .  from seeing him,  My goal is for you to have a healthy relationship with him.


I love you kiddo, more that you will ever know.  You are getting so handsome and tall, keep up the good work in school and you could sore high in life. I am so happy that you are my sone

Pain

Oh Lord, help me to feel your calming hand upon me

when I am in pain.

Let your ever-loving comfort enfold me,

And give me the heart to see

that in my suffering, I am becoming

closer to you...and more divine.

Coming up on my 4th set of injections since April I can't help but wonder if it will help.  There is nothing more disappointing that watching the patients before you come out and be so excited about life and being pain free. I want to be pain free.  I can't stand feeling like I am missing out on so much of life because of pain.  I am glad that I am beginning to understand the dimensions of pain and what I have lost in my life.  I have lost the freedom I had before of going and going with no physical pain making me want to take medications or just lay down.  I have to make sure that my medications go everywhere with me just in case. I can't workout like I use to. I am so grateful for having the best people in my life. Patience and understanding are characteristics that I took for granted before in people.  I am not afraid to ask for help now.  Thank you to all my family for your patience and caring hearts.

I am grateful.