Music Empowers Me

Music Empowers Me
The rhythm does the speaking when I cannot
it reaches deep inside of me and finds the blind spot.
Frees me from my knees when I am too weak to walk
Singing the lyric stop the crying so I can talk
I may not be the best singer but I sing
and I will sing through the next hurdle life will bring.
~Michelle

Best Mistake I Ever Made

3 years ago today I got married and a very fast 15 months later my world was flipped upside down with disappointment. I fought to hold things together, we both did, but never recovered. Our relationship was not strong enough to hold together through such a crazy time. During months that we were together we managed to buy a house, motorcycle, and truck, get married, have a baby, and I had a hysterectomy. We loved hard and fast and then it was over. It was the best mistake I ever made. I say that because I learned how to love the wrong way and know what to look for next time. In situations like divorce all we can do is learn and move on. I say that but too have days, most all of them, that I blame myself for all the failure.

Eric and I created a beautiful daughter from love and through love we will teach her how not to fail, hopefully.



The Lord does work in mysterious ways......This song reminds me to be proud of the experiance.

Facet Injections Part 2

I had my 2nd round of facet injections this Wednesday. Everything in my body and mind was telling me not to go. The fear of the same pain I felt the first time almost had me convinced that I was better off hurting everyday for the rest of my life. Going again everything I knew felt right I went. I know that these doctors have a method to there madness and that I just have to have faith in them and the training that they have.

My appointment was a 11am. We checked in just the same as we did last time, and the crying began. I tried to hold it together but the reality that I was closer and closer to hurting was scaring me. After filling out the paperwork we were escorted to a waiting room and shortly after I was called back to the pre-op room. I kissed Clayton and followed the nurse back. She gave me instructions as the tears rolled down my face. I finished changing into my hospital gown, cap and footies then headed out to my chair. The x-rays tech came to get me and we did a series of x-rays that were painful. I never thought that having to touch my chin to my chest would hurt or looking up as far as I can........ those simple poses for an x-ray brought me to tears. The staff was very sympathetic and tried to make it a fast process. After the x-rays were done I went back out to my chair where I got my IV and a laundry list of questions about my pain. All of which I had answered over and over and over again.... They allowed Clayton to come in after they were done and we were waiting for my turn with the doctor. After about a 20 minute wait, it was my turn. I kissed Clayton again and was wheeled back to the same room I was in the last time. I started crying again..... I just couldn't make it stop that day. The injections were just as painful as I remembered the first time. I can't believe that something this painful is suppose to help me. I don't know if I can do it again. I don't know if I will go back for these injections again. Clayton has already said that he doesn't know if he can take watching me go through it again. I can tell that it breaks his heart to see me hurt and I am so lucky to have him here to help me. After the process was over I was taken to the recovery area and Clayton was let back to set with me. I just put my head in my hands and cried again... Geez I sound like a crybaby....when I didn't have my head in my hands I was just sitting with tears rolling down my face. Clayton was great, he helped me get dressed and encouraged me to just get dressed so he could take me home. He was great. We got lunch then he took me to his house. I stayed there and slept til yesterday, Thursday, evening.

When the pain is too much

When the pain is too much to bare, so is life. I take pills but they just put me to sleep. When I wake up life is still there waiting on me to deal with it. I want to do so many thing but I know I can't. I dont have the energy to anymore. A simple hour trip to Walmart this afternoon made me hurt so bad I was in tears when I came home. When I leave work everyday I cry most all the way home because I can't take the pain medications that work and drive. I went to the physical therapist on Thursday and for the forst time he wasn't able to relieve a headache I had. On Friday I got a letter in the mail that I am scheduled for injections again on the 21st of this month. I am entirely terrified to have them done again. I do feel different but not a whole lot better. I will do them because I know that there is hope. There has to be something that works..... I hope this is it.. I am afraid I am going to loose people in my life if things don't hurry up and get fixed soon. Noone wants to be with someone who is always hurting and who has to be taken care of, hell I know I don't. Hopefully some relief will come soon and I wont have to worry about it any longer.

Have you ever....

Have you ever heard a heart break?

I dont understand how one parent can keep thier children away from thier father.. watching a man cry because he hasn't seen his children in over a year is so sad. Why do we as humans reach deep into eachothers souls and squeeze the life and love out of them? There are other ways to handle tough situations. I know there is probally alot about the situation I dont know but I know that the children are missing out on a great person.

I pray that one day this nightmare will come to an end for you.

almost to my breaking point

almost to my breaking point
i cant take the pain
hold the tears from falling
when will this trouble end
promise of relief with pills,
needles and hands
nothing seems to cure me
wonder when it ends

patience is the advise i get
a year has passed to date
excited when a new solution arrives
dissappointed once again

i am sick of the appointments, sick of not being able to exercise, sick of gaining weight, sick of being sad, sick of being short tempered, sick of hurting, sick of pills



I pray everyday that the ending is near and the pain will be gone soon.

Facet Injections

It's nearly 1am and I am wide awake because I slept most of the day after my procedure this morning.

We arrived at 9am this morning at the Oklahoma Spine Hospital, checked in and were quickly informed that Dr Eckman ran late much like Dr Hope. I expected to be there all day so was no surprised. We were taked to a separate waiting room where we waited for about 10 minutes. I ws called back just thinking for a x-ray or something. I was wrong. I was told to get into a classy, sexy hospital gown, with hospital shoe covers over my socks and a hair cover over my head... Immediately stripped of my comfort.. I locked mt belongings in a locker and put the key around my wrist, and was shown to my chair. They took my vital signs, got a iv line in and started the long list of questions that I have been asked a million times since the accident.

Clayton got to come back after they were done doing the admission procedure and I soon realized that my turn was coming fast. I was in alot of pain and could do anything about it. I started to get scared and cry and fidget alot. Clayton did a good job distracting me by making me laugh and taking stupid pictures of me just in case I ever do anything to piss him off he said he would use them against me.... LOL

Finally it was my turn. The Dr was great, a soothing older man. Calm and very patient and aware I was in pain. They gave me benadryl for my allergy to ct iodine because he uses the ct machine during the procedure. I cried when i realized he wasn't going to just not use it. That stuff almost killed me before and I didn't want to do that again. The benadryl made me tired and calmed me some until it was time to get on the table for the injections.

I had to get on the table face down. Already not comfortable. I was already crying. 4 women began to pull back my "hot stuff" hospital gown to prep my neck area, on was applying the O2 sat monitor and BP cuff and one was pushing pain meds....

The actual injections themselves weren't to bad at first it seemed then he started to find more tender places.. it felt like a needle puncturing a eggshell then the fluid you could feel being distributed... It hurt so bad and I think the worst part was that I couldn't move. I held my breathe but my o@ sats would drop and the girls would say Breath Michelle... I have never experienced anything like that it was pretty painful........After the Dr left and the girls sat me up to get me ready to go to the recovery area I just covered my face and balled like a baby. You could tell they didn't understand.. i just told them I was overwhelmed and done with all the pain and just wanted it all to be over with. In the recovery area I couldn't stop crying and even on the car ride home I was in tears just overwhelmed with emotion I think. Having to lay there awake and endure those injections was horrible.. it was borderline torture.. I know it's suppose to help me but just the thought of them make me want to cry..

Thank you Clayton for being there for me today!