In My Head

Music Empowers Me The rhythm does the speaking when I cannot it reaches deep inside of me and finds the blind spot. Frees me from my knees when I am too weak to walk Singing the lyric stop the crying so I can talk I may not be the best singer but I sing and I will sing through the next hurdle life will bring. ~Michelle

3 years ago today I got married and a very fast 15 months later my world was flipped upside down with disappointment. I fought to hold things together, we both did, but never recovered. Our relationship was not strong enough to hold together through such a crazy time. During months that we were together we managed to buy a house, motorcycle, and truck, get married, have a baby, and I had a hysterectomy. We loved hard and fast and then it was over. It was the best mistake I ever made. I say that because I learned how to love the wrong way and know what to look for next time. In situations like divorce all we can do is learn and move on. I say that but too have days, most all of them, that I blame myself for all the failure. Eric and I created a beautiful daughter from love and through love we will teach her how not to fail, hopefully. The Lord does work in mysterious ways......This song reminds me to be proud of the experiance.

I had my 2nd round of facet injections this Wednesday. Everything in my body and mind was telling me not to go. The fear of the same pain I felt the first time almost had me convinced that I was better off hurting everyday for the rest of my life. Going again everything I knew felt right I went. I know that these doctors have a method to there madness and that I just have to have faith in them and the training that they have. My appointment was a 11am. We checked in just the same as we did last time, and the crying began. I tried to hold it together but the reality that I was closer and closer to hurting was scaring me. After filling out the paperwork we were escorted to a waiting room and shortly after I was called back to the pre-op room. I kissed Clayton and followed the nurse back. She gave me instructions as the tears rolled down my face. I finished changing into my hospital gown, cap and footies then headed out to my chair. The x-rays tech came to get me and we did a series of x-...

When the pain is too much to bare, so is life. I take pills but they just put me to sleep. When I wake up life is still there waiting on me to deal with it. I want to do so many thing but I know I can't. I dont have the energy to anymore. A simple hour trip to Walmart this afternoon made me hurt so bad I was in tears when I came home. When I leave work everyday I cry most all the way home because I can't take the pain medications that work and drive. I went to the physical therapist on Thursday and for the forst time he wasn't able to relieve a headache I had. On Friday I got a letter in the mail that I am scheduled for injections again on the 21st of this month. I am entirely terrified to have them done again. I do feel different but not a whole lot better. I will do them because I know that there is hope. There has to be something that works..... I hope this is it.. I am afraid I am going to loose people in my life if things don't hurry up and get fixed s...

Have you ever heard a heart break? I dont understand how one parent can keep thier children away from thier father.. watching a man cry because he hasn't seen his children in over a year is so sad. Why do we as humans reach deep into eachothers souls and squeeze the life and love out of them? There are other ways to handle tough situations. I know there is probally alot about the situation I dont know but I know that the children are missing out on a great person. I pray that one day this nightmare will come to an end for you.

almost to my breaking point i cant take the pain hold the tears from falling when will this trouble end promise of relief with pills, needles and hands nothing seems to cure me wonder when it ends patience is the advise i get a year has passed to date excited when a new solution arrives dissappointed once again i am sick of the appointments, sick of not being able to exercise, sick of gaining weight, sick of being sad, sick of being short tempered, sick of hurting, sick of pills I pray everyday that the ending is near and the pain will be gone soon.

It's nearly 1am and I am wide awake because I slept most of the day after my procedure this morning. We arrived at 9am this morning at the Oklahoma Spine Hospital, checked in and were quickly informed that Dr Eckman ran late much like Dr Hope. I expected to be there all day so was no surprised. We were taked to a separate waiting room where we waited for about 10 minutes. I ws called back just thinking for a x-ray or something. I was wrong. I was told to get into a classy, sexy hospital gown, with hospital shoe covers over my socks and a hair cover over my head... Immediately stripped of my comfort.. I locked mt belongings in a locker and put the key around my wrist, and was shown to my chair. They took my vital signs, got a iv line in and started the long list of questions that I have been asked a million times since the accident. Clayton got to come back after they were done doing the admission procedure and I soon realized that my turn was coming fast. I was in alot of pain and ...