In My Head

Tomorrow is a day that I truely believe will free me from pain. I am having injections of some kind done in the morning to relieve the pain in my neck due to the car accident... I can't wait. I am so ready to get back to the gym and get back into shape... I am sick of taking pain meds every day and I am sick of hurting mostly. I pray that these will do the trick in helping me... Please Lord let the well educated minds of the physicians that are taking care of me tomorrow relieve me of this physical pain. Guide the hands of the physicians that are taking care of me and my nephew Morgan tomorrow with grace and precision and protect me as you have in the past. Amsen

I always feel relieved to start typing on this page. The feeling I get when I am here makes me feel free. It's been a while since I have really unloaded my head through my fingers. So here it goes: Tony is back in school this is his first full week after the long month out due to him being in the hospital for pneumonia. I have never been so scared in my life. It was such a whirlwind feeling that I never really processed it all until I got home. I cried alot in the hospital while Tony slept because I couldn't let him see my pain or fear. 8 days in the hospital was too long. After the loong 8 days we were sent home on 3 weeks of home health IV antibiotics one was ever 8 hours and the other was every 12 hours. Needless to say we had to be together ALOT afterward. I couldn't go to work and going to school was severely damaged during that 8 days in the hospital. I ended up having to drop 3 of the 4 classes due to my attendance and the work and test that I wasn't going to be ...

Today I woke up with indentions of my fingernails dug into my palm. Apparently in my sleep I was clenching my fist. What for? Who knows? Possibly the headache I fell asleep with or the one I was waking up to. All I know is that it was quite a scary feeling. I found a short, a what seemed to be sarcastic, commentwas made that kinda pissed me off. But I guess maybe I deserved it, if I was being mean intentionally. But i wasn't. I am not a cruel person really. Just unsure of alot of things. I am waiting to call the neurologist after their lunch hour to see if my appointment with the interventional radiologist has been made yet, these injections I am sure are going to hurt like hell seem to be the closest thing to pain relief I can hope for. And, the medication that I am taking makes me nauseated and feel drunk... Oh happy day! Really???? piss me off I may run you over with me car...............

I wanna walk to endless sands with you. watch the horizons forever sunset. i dont know where you are. I dont know when I will meet you but I am waiting to be that someone's someone. One of these days when I fix my heart and know that I wont hurt someone trying to fix me I will let someone past this wall I try to imagine is not there. I want it to be gone. I have alot of forgiving t do, starting with him, then me. I need to let the failure ! feel go I blame myself for it not working and for him cheating.