In My Head

My life is my chaotic art. I stay busy to stay moving and not thinking. This crazy oval I call my head is full of chaos that keeps me motivated. I hide all my fears there right next to my faith. i fear that I am not a good enough mother for my children. My faith tells me I am and I hear it often. I see the problems I have with relationships and wonder where I go wrong. Just a glimpse of my crazy week shows how I leave no time to think. Monday: up at 4am, pack for the day, load kids up drive to Doug's to watch his kids while he is at boot camp ready for work, leave at 645am drive to daycare, drop kids off drive to work at work at 730 til 4 grab a bit to eat school at 5-720, got there early drive to Newcastle to pick up kids make car payment drive home bathes for both kids Tony 's dad came over for about 30 minutes to see Tony and get his Father's Day present kids to bed homework til 11 lots of laundry Finally in bed at 1am Tuesday: up at 6am, ready for work, load ...

I am super stoked about this weekend with my girlfriends. We are floating the Illinois river on Saturday. I need some rest and relaxation with some awesome chicks. I can't wait to bake in the sun, lord knows I need it.

I am so torn about moving on and dating people even more after this week. I have met some pretty interesting guys and some incredibly not interesting guys. I am realizing that all this dating stuff is overrated. I just hate that I am even thinking about it. I think that my life is maybe just to complicated right now anyways. To many of my hours are spent away from my kids as it is and if I start dating someone i wont be able to be around them either because i wont want them to be around some random person. Ughhh ..........but a girl has needs, not necessarily sexual just the companionship really. I think just the fact that I am torn with this just proves that it isn't time. I have alot of things I need to clear up with God and myself first then maybe I will try a relationship again. Marriage thougth right now is not in my future......

I am not going to let school and work and the kids get me down. I forget how nice having someone was. Just a simple greeting when you get home to ask how you day was was nice. I am ready to have that "best friend " back in my life. You would think that after all I have been through I would be hesitant to, but i am ready to meet someone to fill the void.. I don't want to get married for a very very very long time, but the companionship would be nice. Work is great as usual. I love that place. School is great too. I am ahead in both of my classes but I have a l ong road ahead. Just a little tipsy and tired I guess. I have to have a couple of drink to slow my head down to be able to sleep. Good night all. and God Bless!

Remember how when you were a kids you use to make a list of things you wanted for your birthday... well I have been making one... some realistic, some not so realistic...... A set of 8 pound weights - Every time I go to my aerobics class all the weights are taken and I want to take my own set, besides the sweat that was left by the previous sweating beast. An ipod shuffle - So I can run with out thinking, I imagine myself falling like on of those horrible you tube videos right off the treadmill. Horrible thought. A hair cut and color - My colored ends are fried and I need my hair thinned out so bad. And I want to go darker all over. My Nutrition Book - I really need to buy my book but it so expensive. A Cute Hat - I want a hat like the one I borrow from Nicole. Sugarland ticket - Sugarland is coming in September and I would love to go.... told you some were far fetched. Massage - Professional, I could probably get Jenni Beth to do this for me she just ...

If you happen to think my life is your business, try again. Just some thoughts: (I had a close friend talk some sense into me today.) Cheating is never acceptable behavior when your married. Take responsibility for all of your actions. Every marriage goes through a considerable amount of ups and downs, none of which are justified by cheating. When a person finds out tragic news they are allowed to say and do irrational things to rationalize the situation. Being a grandparent is not a favor, it's an obligation to a child. Obligation-a binding promise, contract, sense of duty, etc. Unhappy people die unhappily. I have lived it and learned it. If you can't say anything nice, shut the hell up. If you hear shut the hell up alot then your a mean person. People dont like mean people. Children are the most important thing in a divorce. It's not my fault. I tried. This too shall pass. Just a reminder, if I want your opinion I will ask you for it. And, if I dont respect you I dont t...

Lyin' in the parkOn a beautiful daySun shine in the grassAnd the children playSiren's passin'Fire engine's redSomeone's house is burning downOn a day like thisThe evening comes and we're hangin' outOn the front stepAnd a car goes by with the windows rolled downAnd that war song is playin "why can't we be friends?"Someone's screamin' and cryin' in the apartment upstairsFunny the way it isAnd if you think about itSomebody's goin' hungry And someone else is eatin' outFunny the way it isWhether right or wrongSomebody's heart is brokenAnd it becomes your favorite songThe way your mouth feels in a lover's kissLike a pretty bird on a breezeOr water to a fishBut a bomb blast brings the building crashin' to the floorHear the laughter while the children play warFunny the way it isAnd if you think about itOne kid walks 10 miles to schoolWhile another's droppin' outFunny the way it isNo matter right or wrongOn a ...

Sitting next to my bed that I should be in I am thinking I need to sleep. I could stand a night where I have nothing to do. i could stand curling up into bed not having to worry about the laundry, the dishes, are the bags packed, are the lights of, is my car locked, did I set my alarm, where are my shoes, when will I get my hair done, I have to remember to put air in my tire tomorrow morning, Nutrition discussions have to get turned in, do I buy the book or not, I need more coaxial cable, Tony better clean his room tomorrow, I hate getting up at 420 am, Father's Day present, I have to remember them tomorrow, wonder where Carlee is sleeping at Eric's house, I have to get the last few things from the house that are mine before they end up gone forever, Grandma Bonnie's cancer is back, I hate cancer, email Cassidy tomorrow about that, find out details about Friday, can't wait for a tini of some sort and to see Cindy's dog, hope our kids get along, maybe I will go to...

I love my sweet baby Carlee. I am so glad i got the chance to have a second child. The doctors said it wasn't likely that it would happen but before I knew it, there I was taking chances and beating the odds. With my "expiration date" as the doctors called it, way past due Carlee was a surprise and a blessing. Born September 17 th 2007 at 5 am I should have known this girl was going to be a force to be reckoned with. I labored all night starting at 9pm. The little angel cried for 2 hours after she was born, I started to think there was something wrong with her then finally she calmed down a slept sound. She is my hope, my light, my laugh, my cry, and my future. She is a exact replica, aside from the blue eyes, of me at that age. I fear the worst when it comes to my children because I have watched people loose their children to tragic events and don't know what I would do. Would I be able to move on? Every night I pray for safety that nothing ever happens to my...

My kids are so sweet. Without those two kiddo there are times in my life where i would have lost my direction. They are every reason for me to wake up every morning. My son Tony I had my senior year of highschool. We have grown up together that is for sure. He is my best friend and worst enemy at times too. He is funny and smart, very athletic and compassionate. I will never feel like I will ever offer this kid enough for all that he has taught me. His dad has never been a real part of his life. It first when Tony was born I forced him on his dad and would make him keep him. I finally gave that up and we lived better years for the next 9 years. Recently his dad is trying to become part of his life again and just like I thought it's just not good enough. Tony is the most resilient child I have ever met. I have had a very interesting life with interesting jobs and even more interesting liveing conditions. I have not really ever introduced him to many people I date unless we had dated...

I have been so down this week with this allergy/asthma/sinus crap. It seems to be taking over my body....... I was so dizzy last night I had to come home from Shannon's early. We were sitting outside watching the boys ride bikes and play football. This weekend should be interesting. I am watching Will and Randi's kids for them while they go to Indiana for a wedding. 4 kids?????!!!! What am I thinking? It wouldn't be so scary if they weren't all under 3. Oh well it will be okay. But come hell or high water I am going to church on Saturday if I have to take them all with me! Next week should slow down.................. ugh... nope it wont. I decided to volunteer myself to organize a garage sale for my friend on Saturday morning at her house she is trying to sell to help generate traffic around her house. I need to stop over commiting myself for there these projects.

A new friend of mine advised me to get back to blogging, so here I am. One topic at a time just like suggested, it will be hard because I have so much to say. I will start with the number one in my life, God. Since the seperation I have started back to church. It was definielty something that our marriage was missing, not because we didn't have time, simply because we couldn't agree on a church. Silly huh? Well most things were in our relationship. It is the one day of the week I look forward to. I have friends that will attend with me but often have something else going on.... So I go alone. I sit in the same place for them just in case they happpen to show up. Not only do I love it but my kids are just as excited as I am to go. Carlee runs right to her class when we get the the building, after she stops and talks to the tree of course. And Tony just grabs his name tag and says "See ya mom." The message always hits my heart like a ton of bricks. I would ...