Nightmares

 Where do you think nightmares come from? How do theY manifest in our brains to very real images that can wake you up in a sweaty, rapid breathing state of exhaustion and fear? Are the your intermost thoughtS? Something you've watched? Something you've heard of? Or imagined before? Is it your deepest darkest secrets recreated in images? I woke up sweaty and scared and had to catch my breathe from one of the realistic dreams I've had in a while. I've never written about it because typically I return to sleep before I calm down and don't remember the details. In this dream I was in a house trying to find my clothes that I was sure were in a closet. There were about 7 closets in this house throughout the rooms. I just had to find them. I finally gave up and started out the door with something hugged in my hands to cover my chest. I seemed less worried about the bottom half of my body. I left the house and was disoriented but sure I would find my way home. I walked confused and scared and half naked, people passed me in cars like there was nothing out of the ordinary. I heard a voice 'Hey, are you ok?' I turned and the vehicle got in view. It was a group of men in a jeep style vehicle. They all jumped out and seemed concerned. I was grateful until I saw one of them had a sledge hammer. I told them I was fine and laughed nervously. I said 'you're scaring me with that thing' he nodded and said 'oh yea' and swung back, he was taunting me. I wanted to run but there was no where to go. I was surrounded. I could feel my body breathing harder and hard my mind was trying to tell me it's just a dream but I didn't want to be there. I quit fighting and stayed in my fear then tried to escape it again and woke up. As I lay there trying to slow my breathing and calm myself I wondered was that all my secrets in life all My hearts aches about to beat me, like beat me to death. They have been beating me lately. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about them. What are these thoughts, these dreams. Where do they come from?

Loneliness

I have a house full of things and people and my heart is emptying. Everyday I think things are getting better I have 4 days of worse to erase it. How do I make this better? What can I say to be heard. I don't want to be heard then belittled for my feelings. I want to be heard, really heard, life-changing, understood and heard. If I don't get this voice inside of me heard soon I have to go. I have to be heard.

I'm lonely with my stupid thoughts of planning to leave because I don't know how to be heard.