This crazy wheel of a world keeps turning around me and I can't find my right side up. My wrecking ball catchers mitt just isn't doing the trick anymore. It's crazy twisted and I am in it for the ride. I have never given up and won't. You cant knock me off my feet when im on my knees. I just want to understand. I want my heart to forget and not be knotted up.
So I'm setting at the neurologists office once again hoping for a cure. Life with pain has really made me appreciate life before pain. It's made me weaker physically and mentally. I have prayed more in the last two years than I did as a catholic school girl when I was a child. The pain I have dealt with in the last 3 years has really done a number on my soul. It started with the high of my life, meeting Eric, getting married and having a baby that wasn't suppose to be possible. Then within just over a year my heaven became hell. I fought the fight I never thought I would have to trying to keep my marriage together. We fell apart. We moved too fast just like everyone said we did. We made mistakes and we grew apart not knowing we were never really together.
The divorce crushed my soul. I had been defeated and wasn't willing to admit it. I cried tears and have built a wall that is impossible for anyone to get over again. Right when I started building my life again a drunk jerk brought me back down to hating life.
That leads me today, 19 months later I am still seeing dr's hoping for a miracle, or at least something to help me. I will have medical problems for the test of my life and the jerk that hit us is probally headed out to the Lyrewood Lounge again tonight to drink it up. And he isn't going to find a ride home,nope, he'll probally watch the clock on the wall and leave early to stop by burger king for his drunken food and try to make it home dodging cops. I would love to serve him a good ole cup of daily pain. Xanex would be the least of his medications he takes. Ughhhhhhh. Why am I still talking about this????
On a good note: my kids are great. Carlee is growing faster than I ever wanted her to. She is smart and beautiful. She goes to her dads house everyother weekend. She loves everyone and makes strangers smile when they see her. I can't imagine her being any different.
Tony is growing into a handsome young man he is headstrong like me. We argue much like any mother and teenage son would I don't understand him and he can't stand me, unless I have money. Lol he is so resilient when I need him to be. I just hope I don't ge wrong anywhere with him. He now has glasses and braces. He is the man of my life. I hope one day he sees how much I love him.
Ok time to tune out the rough edges life has given me with my music..........
